Chemo no. 5

It's been a week since my first chemo. Feeling human but not 100% myself yet. My body is still quite tired - this chemo specifically lowers your white blood cell count so I can feel my energy being sapped. Some days I may have loads of energy and some not. It's only a week that has gone by however so onward we plod to 'normality'. This chemo specifically is a bit different to the ones I have had lately - I slept (much like a hibernating bear) so much. My body was exhausted as hell. I prayed to the toilet gods for a brief stint, sore bones and body, upset stomach and bloated as can be.

As per usual we had some problems with medical aid so my dad offered to pay for the first 2 rounds - just so we could see if it was working and to get started on it ASAP. Bless my parents heart - always there for me when I hit a rut. Always... The day Helen passed away was actually the day my medical auth got declined. Once again they declined a necessary chemo regime. My dad knew how down and scared I was considering this is one of my last options left for chemo at the moment (not forgetting that Heli passed away too which made reality all a bit too fitting...). One of the most stressful days I ever had you could say. I was an emotional roller coaster ride.

It's been almost 3 years since cancer evaded my body. I do get tired of all and having my life so booked out in doctors appointments, having to stay away from people with the smallest cold, chemo days, resting days....it just makes me so frustrated at times. I just wanna say - come on chemo - WORK for crying in a bucket!!! I feel so blessed for being alive and having the things and people in my life but I do want to live this life cancer free at some stage. Now, would be good. Helen suddenly passing away just hit home very, very close to my heart and it makes me scared as hell.

Speaking of Helen - her send off was truly beautiful. As expected the church was packed and it was a lot more different than your average funeral. Helen was never average that's for sure so they made a send off/ celebration of her life in a truly beautiful way. Friends and family were not allowed to wear black - you were to be in your most colourful clothes and we were asked to bring sunflowers to represent Helen. A true representation of this colourful being. I always thought that the flower represented a person like Helen but when the minister was talking about the sunflower I thought - wow. How perfect... As a reminder to myself and to commemorate my special friend, I decided I am going to plant some in my garden. As you can all probably tell by the many, many mentions of Helen - I truly do miss her.

Heavens Gain

It’s been a day since my beautiful friend and ‘c sister’ passed away. My heart feels so sad and I already miss you dearly my friend. How do I fight this fight without you?

Helen and myself met in February 2011. Our trial doctor put us into contact with each other seen that we were both so young and positive. We were just about the youngest patients in the unit. I had been fighting the fight at that stage for about 8 – 9 months already. Just on speaking to Helen on the phone I knew we would be great friends – on receiving diagnosis she jumped into fight mode and was as positive as can be. We discovered we were both huge fans of sushi and decided on meeting the very next day over dinner and drinks (my kinda girl) while she ask me questions about the treatment and life in general.

As treatment went by we grew closer and closer chatting every day over blackberry and trying to schedule our chemo's together so we could motivate each other and keep the spirits high. It was so nice to have someone have the same problems as me for once. Our friends were always great support but there was no better person to understand what you were going through other than my breast buddy, Helen.

Helen always lit up a room when she entered  - everyone adored her. She helped me with some fundraisers and volunteered where she could to always help other people. She had the most amazing spirit to fight. She often made me look bad with her ‘healthier than thou’ eating habits and her ability to do the Cape Argus Cycle tour. She ran races – she just always seized to amaze me. You would literally have sworn that nothing was wrong with this girl. It’s a bizarre concept to think (and please don’t hate me for thinking this because I know some of you will crap me out) but how is it that I am still here? Aaaaah the memories and times we had together were so amazing. So inspiring...

I am sure you would remember back a few posts about me being at Helen & Alwyns beautiful wedding. In mid December they left for their honeymoon. They were so ecstatic to see their family and go skiing together. A magical white Christmas – the way Helen was used to having Christmas being from Germany. By the sounds of it – they loved it and although Helen struggled a bit, she managed to ski the slopes of the Alps. My wonder woman... Sadly, a couple days before she left to come back home she found that her stomach was a bit swollen and she was in quite a bit of pain.  With my own issues I saw her at the Doctor on the Monday. This is the first time I ever saw my friend really go through a rough time. I could tell she was uncomfortable and I could see she was so saddened by her honeymoon ending that way. It was such a shock to see but yet she still acted concerned about me because I had to change chemo’s again. She always thought of other people above herself. That day she was scheduled to have fluid removed from her cavity below her liver. It seemed as if her liver worsened and was seeping some toxins. She went home for a few days to try recuperate but sadly she was back at the doctor that Thursday in some serious pain. She was admitted to hospital for pain, nausea and the fluid in her liver (which was removed again…). It was a shock and suddenly I noticed that Helen wasn't messaging me anymore like we had done every day.

I went to my doctor on that Friday for blood, CT and bone results. Things were getting worse with me too.  I needed to get onto something quickly. My mom happened to ask my doctor about Helen (we share the same doctor) where she looked at me and asked me to please try block what is happening to her against myself. She was concerned because Helen was in a rut and wasn't sure if she could fight to get out of it. I broke down in tears because it just seemed like such a hard hitting reality. How could this happen so fast? How could I block the pain and fear that I knew my friend was going through? We were so similar in diagnosis that it just hit so close to home for me.

I decided to go visit Helen on the Sunday where I met her mom, dad and husband. It was tough to see her like that. She was going in and out of consciousness but still tried to fight to get up to go to the loo etc. she was determined! It was incredibly hard to see because my friend and cancer buddy didn't recognise me anymore. She just fell right asleep. Her mom had hoped she would recognise me but sadly she didn't…

I know you’re watching down on me (and everyone else) – I’d like to think of you as my guardian angel. Even without you,  your spirit and inspiration will help me through this battle and  everyone who knew  you will keep you in their hearts – living the Helen way…to seek beauty, love and laughter every day we alive. As hard as it is now to fight this fight without you I imagine you up in heaven smiling down on us, making yourself comfortable and awaiting to be reunited with all your loved ones, one day.

I look at my phone and can’t bring myself to ending our last conversations from just last week. We made a promise to fight no matter what and that one day we would be having a big celebration to celebrate us conquering this disease. One day we will Helli – I’ll have to miss you from afar for now and keep up the ‘helen spirit’. You will never be far from my Heart and Mind.

A special note to Helens husband, Alwyn. Thank you for being the most amazing man to my friend. Thank you for not being judgmental on such a disease and loving Helen regardless – wanting to spend the rest of your lives together no matter what the future had in store. In my own experience it’s extremely tough on the partner to stay so strong and I salute you for being such a knight in shining armour. I am so glad that you shared an amazing time together on honeymoon, creating some great memories.

Rest In Peace my friend – you will always continue to inspire those you left behind…

The Up's and Down's

Can cancer define who you are?

I got rather upset the other day as I was preparing a speech for a support group. The counselor had e-mailed me asking if I could tell my story, what keeps me motivated and how to 'live well' provided the situation. I wanted to finalise my talk by saying a list of things that could help for example ; get yourself a cancer buddy, try keep a routine, try live life as normal as possible,don't concentrate on the fact that you're ill. As I was thinking and trying to pick 'N''s brain for other possibilities he said that there was the obvious that everyone tries to live by: Don't let cancer define who you are. After thinking for a bit he said 'but I don't think it really applies to you...' I was mortified. 'How can  you say such a thing!?' Considering the circumstance I thought I dealt with my cancer in quite a good manner. I hadn't really thought about it but my life kind of does revolve around it - even up to how I earn my money, through my cancer magazine. It saddened me quite a bit - sure, we still do live as normal as a young couple can be but factors do affect us. I suffer out in the sun, my energy is sapped after doing chores, I struggle with fatigue walking in a mall, can't do xyz because I have chemo coming up, stresses with medical aid, recent hospital visits etc etc. Cancer really has defined who I am. Sure - it's lead me and moulded me to who I am today but it irritated me in a way because people now know who I am because of cancer. People wanted to know what I was about when they found out about my diagnosis. I was at a wedding recently and somebody asked who I was to the bride and groom. 'Oh - I'm Helen's cancer buddy, Nikki' - although I had never met the person before she knew exactly who I was. I was also a bit confused though that I chose that as my introduction. Clearly I have let cancer define me. It has however lead me to some amazing things, a career and people in my life.

OK - I have been naughty again. I saved the above in drafts meaning to get back to it but in fact never got back round to it. My apologies!

So much has happened lately where do I start?

My INR levels seem to be stabilizing. I'm still not sure how I get dosed on Wharfarin but magically after having a blood test done, I get an sms about 2 hours later giving me my next lot of doses for the next week or 2. An interesting fact that I found out on going for a check up to my doctor but did you know that Wharfarin was originally invented as rat poison? Somewhere in the 1940's Wharfarin was originally invented for the sole purpose as a pesticide. Madness right?

So - I have come up to having my 2nd edition of Live Well. Live Cancer. While the book is still small - it certainly is getting heaps of credit and big dreams of getting even bigger. My Next feature I am very proud of. Mark Pilgrim will be on the cover along with his story. He is such an amazing man that I have always followed and listened to on the radio. Here is hoping he's my golden ticket to success :) 

The magazine is certainly getting around which I am so thrilled about. Everybody is always so keen to receive them and they go like hotcakes in waiting rooms of doctors offices! Now I may not be making loads of money off this magazine while I am starting off but I do have a story which is simply priceless. It may be our way of our paths crossing but I'd certainly like to credit my mag for awareness. When my first edition was out - I got an e-mail requesting some books for an awareness breakfast. Happily I dropped the books off. Sadly I was in a bit of a rush where I had to go to my doctor but this certain lady told me about a lump that she had found in her breast. She had been a few months prior to a doctor to question it but the results came back inconclusive and told her to be back in another 3 months. In my rush I had told her that she really needed to go for a second opinion because clearly it was bugging her. She put it off and put it off and I eventually got on her case about it. I eventually said right - this is my doctors details. Visit him. She told me she was going to see her original doctor again for the call back. Her results seemed the same. Inconclusive. I gave her a call and insisted that she go to my doctor before she ended up in a mental hospital. This kind of uncertainty will drive you insane and in a nut house. She went to my surgeon and 2 days later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The following week she was scheduled for a mastectomy (which was successful) and she will be undergoing chemo in just a few weeks time. Every time I visited her she introduced me as her hero. In no way do I feel like I am a hero. I am just glad that she went before it was 2 late. If I can create awareness and messages through my magazine, well then I feel like I have done a job well done!

I have had rather a shitty experience through chemo - I may hide it at times but I am still very hopeful and I try spread that wherever I go. With the support group I talked about in the beginning of my post I saw a friendly familiar face that I once upon a time came across when she had her first chemo. When everyone around the table was introducing themselves she looked up at me and said 'I would not be here if it weren't for that girl' pointing at me. I wanted to burst into tears. I felt so humbled. It makes me so happy to hear that little ol' me made a difference. That  makes my heart smile. I just hope that everyone else can pass that kind of thing on. Having your first chemo is such a daunting procedure. Nobody knows what the hell to expect as soon as that drip is opened and flowing into your veins. Seeing someone so scared while I am having my way too many to mention chemo is seen as almost a bit of a challenge to me. To get that patient to turn their fear into hope and faith is an amazing thing.

My last chemo happend on the 21rst of December. For some reason my body took a massive knock to it. It's almost 3 weeks later and I still feel exhausted and drained whereas it normally takes me just a week to bounce back. The symptoms I had were terrible. I had sore bones (everywhere from my facial cheek bones to my shins hurt), my appetite lessened, my stomach was upset. I was generally feeling very sorry for myself and I felt terrible because N, my better half was on leave. All I wanted to do was lay down and take it easy. On my day 8 I had my chemo again (which is normally a much lower dosage and allows me just a single day of taking it easy before I'm me and human again). Not even 30 minutes of taking that chemo and I was as ill as ever. I was feverish, nauseus, sore bones and throwing up. This wasn't like me....I certainly wasn't myself and I was feeling ill for quite some time. Mundane tasks such as quickly fetching something at the shops had me feeling feint. I was worried so I e-mailed my doctor also complaining about a ache that I had in my shoulder. I was asked to come in the next day. She instructed what I imagined. A bone scan, a series of blood tests and well as a CT scan.

I got the results today at my oncologist. My cancer margins are drastically up. The cancer is my liver has grown. The effects of my sore shoulder is quite possibly transferred pain. What was also noted was my extremely low white cell blood count. Due to my liver my body hasn't had the chance to heal itself properly hence the low blood count. I am supposed to start taking injections to get it all back up and running asap to prepare my body for the new chemo (here is hoping medical aid does not give me any s**t). The new Chemo I am supposed to go on is called Ixempra. It's designed at patients like me where red devil, paclitaxol etc etc (insert my list of never ending chemo here) has not worked. It's new in SA and my doctor has high hopes for it having some good effects. I hope and pray that this is my Silver bullet to kick cancers ass. This road has been so tough at times but I am determined as hell to cross the finishing line.

I promise to try and update soon...

This and That

October has come and gone already and wow did it go by fast!

The events I attended and spoke at were pretty cool but the Red Cross Children's hospital was most definitely my favorite.

The day after chemo I felt as amped as can be, put my bandanna on and drove on down to the childrens hospital with a boot full of goodie bags and childrens books. Simple things such as bubbles and playdough made these kids smile from ear to ear. While I loved briefly hanging out with these kids it made me want to volunteer more in simple ways - my heart went out to them however. The kids and the parents. My diagnosis and 'money' situation seem so trivial compared to these familes. Some of these little patients have been here everyday for the last 6 - 8 months receiving treatment everyday. Most of these kids are from afar and their moms have not left their side since they had been there. The families don't get to go home due to money situations and they barely have more than a set of clothes to change into. If you are reading this and you live in the area (and are able to) please consider donating old clothes/ toiletries (like soap, deo and toothpaste) to the hospital. These families and children could really do with the help.

Once finished with the kids I went on home to my better half only to literally have my system crash on me. I had felt the worst of all during this cycle of treatment. It took me ages to get back to normal and I was so nauseous I didn't know what to do with myself - I was emotional as hell just because I felt so sorry for myself this time around.

A week or so later some friends, N and me had a mini week getaway. We spent some time at Mc Daddy's trailer park in the Elgin valley and 2 nights on a little holding in the mountains just off Villiersdorp. No cell phones, no pc's, tv or reception. It Was perfect.  Lots of time spent with everyone around a fire place, sleeping late, time to reflect, drinking some wine and having some good chatter among friends. Just what the doctor ordered!

A few days later N and myself went on another little fun road trip for my good friend (and cancer buddy/ fellow fighter) Helens Wedding. Her wedding was happening all in Maaitjiesfontein. A 1 road town about 3 1/2 hours away from CT. I don't think I have ever shed so many tears at a wedding. I felt so humbled to have to witness such a special day of 2 beautiful souls being married. I am so proud of how far she has come and to see love have no boundaries - even if 1 is diagnosed with cancer. The wedding was so beautiful and the guests were all so welcoming. People had come from far and wide across the world just to witness this beautiful day.  To put the cherry on this beautiful and emotional day I felt humbled simply because regardless of not really knowing anyone - everyone seemed to know about me and thanked me for fighting through this fight with Helen. My friend - if you are reading this...I am so grateful that our paths crossed and that we got to be such good friends. You have always inspired me and given me hope when I was down or shared some wise words with me along the way. I am so happy to be fighting this fight with you and I would not have it any other way. For a sneak peak at what this special day looked like you can check it out on www.whitelines.co.za *some advice - you may want to grab some tissues....*

Moving along a bit...I recently went for a PET scan. You remember the one I had before where they inject you with radioactive juices? After a pretty sleepless night I went to my doctors office to hear the results. I was a nervous wreck the entire day long. I think I just about tried to stay clear of everyone for the fear of biting everyone's head off. My poor N - sorry my love.... So anyways - my doctor was not too happy about the results. The report was a bit inconclusive. She could see my liver mets were down a bit and something was visible on my lung lining but that was about it. My doctor was not happy about this so sent me for a CT scan the next day.

I don't think I have mentioned to you all but my older (and only) brother will be getting married to his beautiful fiance, Irma. Due to the fact that they live in the UK we were asked to try scout out some venues for them. I had a few places booked to view that morning just before the scan. On visiting the first wine farm venue I tried to ignore this feeling I had in my side. It felt almost like I had a stich. All of a sudden while talking to the manager of this place, I felt a bit of a 'release' of this pang and all of a sudden my heart race was racing and I felt like I was going to pass out. Nobody noticed but as soon as we were left to ourselves I told my mom that I really was not feeling well all of a sudden. Things just got so strange. I took 10 steps and I would be out of breath. We fueled up with some (ever so healthy) Mc Donalds to try fuel some sugars up but I still felt odd. I went and had the scan and thought afterwards I would pop in at my doctors office and get one of the nurses to check my vitals. My blood pressure was up and my heart was racing! Because my doc was not available the nurse said she would make my doc aware of what was going on and if I was still feeling ill in the morning that I should go and get my blood pressure checked again and if it was still the same we would get it all sorted out.

An hour or so later just as I was relaxing on the couch when my doctor called me to say that the radiologist had called her to tell her I needed some urgent medical attention. I had blood clots again in my lungs! I was instructed to try sort out hospital admissions as soon as I could and get my rear end to hospital STAT. Once in hospital it was explained to me that I would most probably be put on Clexane injections and even wharfarin Blood thinners. Just when I thought I was getting all settled my doc took my pulse and had me admitted to ICU for the night. My heart was racing which caused some great concern for him. Can I just state the obvious here on how bad my luck is?

I was in hospital for 4 nights, 1 night being in the ICU. It felt silly to be there but as soon as I would get up and walk to the bathroom or something I was simply exhausted. Blood clots leave you very out of breath. It felt silly due to the fact that I was simply there for observation and to receive an injection in the morning and evening (which I could have done myself...). I got out on the Monday afternoon being instructed to be extremely careful and have plenty of rest. On having a final check up from my doctor I was told I had a bit of an infection in the lining of my lungs. My right lobe of my lung was terribly sore and I was coughing quite badly. 

After about a week I started to feel a bit more myself again. My energy was slightly returning and I could walk around my home without having to rest every 10 steps. I now have to go for weekly blood INR tests and pathcare sends me dosage amounts saying when I should take my wharfarin tablets. My levels have been up and down like a rollercoaster since getting out of hospiatl - I really hope it normalises soon

1 year anni of no 'leftie'

Can you believe that last week on the 26th of September was my 1 year anniversary for having my mastectomy? Do I miss it - yes indeed! however I don't miss the cancer that was in it. It has taken me a really long time to be comfortable with my 'situation' since a year ago but I must say the last year has flown by tremendously and what tears I shed for not being able to get my immediate reconstruction done is a thing of the past. Don't get me wrong - I still want to bribe my doctor so we can go ahead to get some 'silly boobies' (silicone boobs) put in but I am OK with knowing it'll be in the next stage or 2 instead. For now I'll still check that my prosthesis is in line with the real boob every 20 mins while in public but what's most important is to get rid of the 'c' in my liver.

I must say that I really am feeling good. I can feel I am really fatigued lately from all the treatment but maybe that's because I have been very much on the go lately with the magazine and fundraising events.

My magazine is officially out and I am so impressed with the first issue! I have received so many comments about how it turned out and I have even received feedback from some government hospitals thanking me. Nothing can warm your heart up better than that! I'm quite excited to dive into my December issue. For those of you who have not seen it - check it out! www.livewelllivecancer.co.za You can view the e-book at  the bottom of the page.

With October being Breast Cancer awareness month it's certainly one to be keeping me busy. On Friday night I will be shaving people hair at the shavathon/ sprayathon at the Sunningdale Market. I was quite surprised but I was also cordially invited by the CEO of Spar to be a guest at the Spar Ladies Breast Cancer awareness breakfast. It's promised to be a hell of a lot of spoiling which I am rather looking forward to! Sunday BreastBuddies is hosting a 'Icons of the 80's' show in honour of Pink Drive who do some amazing work in spreading awareness. Last but not least - next Friday on Bandana day my friend Sheryl aka Mrs Western Cape will be visiting the kids at Red Cross hospital for a morning of spoiling the kiddies, entertaining them with a clown and  taking them some goodie bags. I cannot wait! The cause feels so incredibly close to my heart (and always has been) but I often think 'if I feel like I have been hit by a bus from chemo and like I have a 5 day hangover of note then how the hell must a child feel?'. That cannot be easy and this is why we want to bring some smiles and a laugh or two to the kids who could probably need it most.

I'm holding fingers but next week should be my last chemo session - Can only hope we can move onto the next step into the future then!

4 down - 2 to go!

Past the halfway mark through this treatment at least - well I certainly hope. Last time my doc pushed me for more on the red devil. Lets just hope that this works for once and for all. I often wonder - how much can I really take here?

Before you all think 'don't give up' - it's not like that. I'd die fighting for anything and often like to prove people wrong...it's just that sometimes I think jeez already...enough. It's not something you can help thinking with so many people around me being affected by cancer. Not everyone receives good news all the time with cancer. There is always the good and the bad...unfortunately lately I am hearing more bad from friends and family with cancer. It makes my blood boil at times because it just isn't fair.

My misdiagnosis case carries on - I got some good news from my lawyer the other day that there is a very good chance that the doctor who misdiagnosed me wants to settle. I have had to gather all my reports, scans, x-rays, salary slips etc for a further inspection so they can get to the bottom of this. It's been such a long process so far. I asked my lawyer the other day 'what happens with the doctor in the end?' - can you believe all that happens is their insurance goes up? I thought that was rather shocking - not even a rap on the knuckles?

Great news :) !! I was completely scared as hell at first because this new chemo gives me pains in the kidney/ abdominal area to such an extent that it made me stress the cancer had grown. Turns out that the new chemo is actually working and I had a 30% reduction in my lesion in the liver. Woot woot!!! The wait for my results that day was torture because I didn't know what the hell to expect. My poor mother knew my concern and even attempted to take me to breakfast as well as shopping to get my mind off of the situation. When we got to my oncologists office and she read out the report to me I almost sat waiting to hear something bad had appeared. When she looked up at me and I officially realised she was finished I was ecstatic. You have no idea what a relief it is to know that the chemo is working. 

My hair is growing nicely - this chemo has made it thin a little bit but it's still nice and thick on my head. It was getting to be a bit of an unimaginable length to work with until I figured I could pin my fringe back and even sport a mini ponytail :) The little things in life make you so happy I tell you! I found myself at Pick 'n Pay getting excited to buy some clips the other day. Everybody keeps telling me to get my hair trimmed at the hairdresser and it will grow faster that way, but every time I have visited the hair dresser they hack off a few months of growth. Think I will rather wait until it's a bit longer where I can have a proper style. For now am thrilled that I haven't lost it so far with this chemo *touches wood*

Our magazine will be hitting shelves soon - nervous but yet excited! Watch this space for a link to it!

Cancer-versary

Today, 2 years ago I was told the horrific news that changed my life. 'Your tumor tested to be Malignant - I am sorry. You have cancer...'. 


It has been a hell of a roller coaster of a ride at times but during these 2 years I have experienced so much, met some amazing people, taught me to fight like hell and live every day with gratitude, Wonder and Hope. It's bizarre to say but sometimes I still look at the crappy days I have and I think 'is this really happening? How am I still standing?'. Am much as the news settled and is a reality - it still feels like a dream at times.


I have had so much happen to me in the last few weeks. I apologize for my lack of updates but I have just been so busy and caught up with all the events and personal issues in my life I really have not had the time.


I start with the whole process of  getting things right with my medical aid. They managed to authorize my next chemo plan (hooray!) but they did not however allow me to have the pill form of one of my drugs (Vinorelbine) so now I have to go in for the drip on the 8th day after my initial chemo. It's ok - just a bit of  a mission. At the end of the day it is a bit silly however. If you think about it actually works out more expensive to have to go to the chemo ward for the assistance of the nurses / pay for needles and the meds. Really is a bit ludacris. 


So after getting all this authorized and wanting to start my new treatment (because I was in quite a bit of pain from the pain transfer) I got a call from the nurses asking if I still had my port in. This is something they removed when I had my mastectomy. Should have seen a problem on the horizon....They would not administor the Vinorelbine unless I had one put in again due to the drug burning your veins really badly. Charming thought aint that? Operation 'Get a port as quick as possible' started and I immediately got on the phone with my surgeon who made an urgent after hours appointment to see me so we could have it put in as quick as possible. I had him consult me (bless his soul) and managed to shuffle his diary around and cancel some appointments so he could insert the port in on the next Tuesday. Didn't expect that to be so easy! I have the worlds best surgeon. He is the one that broke the news of my cancer to me in the first place so I wasn't too fond of him in the first place....but over our consultations and ops I have certainly grown very fond of him. He is almost a retired man coming up to his 70's, he knows all about my family, is old school as hell - does not even own a pc in his office but best of all that I really appreciate about him - is he has all the time in the world for his patients and he goes the extra few miles for his patients. He talks the hind leg off a donkey but the fact that he will walk to the end of the earth for you gives any doctor 10 thumbs up. That's a quality hard to find!


Tuesday came. I had to be booked in at Milnerton Hospital in the afternoon for the port insertion. It's not a very long procedure however it can be very complex. They have to find a good artery to work with (that's really hard to find considering my veins are completely buggered from chemo). From there they follow that artery into the heart valve - thread a few devices through the artery making very sure not to nik anything in the process. A tiny cut somewhere can take hours to mend and involve you having unwanted drains and lung damage. They then have to place the port in such a position where it may not move whatsoever. After all that is done they flush it all out to prevent clogging and clotting. I have heard so many horror stories that involve ports dislodging and getting tangled up in the lungs and ribs. Scary with the stuff that can go wrong.

It's a good thing I have the port now because I have never seen anyone so stressed as my aneathatist that day. Due to my veins being totally botched up there is normally quite the struggle to find a vein. Now you know it's bad when an aneathatist paces up and down the theater all stressed out because he can't find anything. I was prodded, tied up with bands, slapped like a druggie would do to themselves and generally made very stressed. All this hurt like hell because he tried several times going in blindly - he then looked at me after pacing up and down again and threatened to use my toes. 'Oh no you don't! Mr. I suggest you find something in my arm and in my arm only' I said - the mere thought made my stomach turn! I think he saw how serious I was then he gave it another try. He ended up finding a teeeeeny vein with a pediatric needle. Thank heavens because I think you would have needed at least 5 people to hold me down if they dared to try my veins. So once the drugs were running I always try fight the sleep as best as possible and I check the theater staff working like busy bees. As this is all going on and feeling very high I get told - 'could you possibly sit up please. The ECG monitor is not hooked up to you properly' - 'Are you for real here!? - you have just drugged me and I'm about to go to sleep' *drugged up half asleep slur tone. They managed to push me up with me wobbling a bit around (very close to falling off) and soon after I woke up with the op finished and complete.   


I started chemo the next week allowing me to have some recovery/ healing time. The new chemo is definitely no walk in the park. I was given only a small dose and was left horribly nauseous not knowing what to do with myself. Day 3 I thought I was alright so I was very excited to go to my friends 30th. An hour before I felt terrible. I was a white sheet and quite ill. My blood levels were horribly low and I almost feinted several times. So much for going out. A week later I was still quite bad having plenty of rest and dizzy spells. My doctor has prescribed me plenty of magnesium to make it better. I have recently started getting some ringing in my ears as well. At random intervals I experience ringing known as tinnitus. It's quite annoying and makes me feel a little bit crazy at times - hope it's not to stay (can become permanent).


With all this going on I have been trying to get the ball rolling with the magazine. It's lots of hard work but with dedication we'll make it succeed.


A friend of mine told my story to a client of hers who wanted to offer me some special alternative treatment to help me with healing. I thought of everything as very arb at first but decided to take this lovely man up on his offer in wanting to sponsor me. You never know!? He knew this man that is retired and worked as a professor at Stellenbosch university. This man - Mr Haye believes in the power of healing through the magnetic fields in your body. He has various methods using magnets. He uses salts to neutralize your body acids, magnets to realign your body up and doing various things to oxygenate your body. All good things really and things that could certainly not harm you in any way. He showed us various ways (Helen came with me to observe) to oxygenate  your system (because oxygen kills off cancer of course). The one way is to put peppermint aromatherapy oil on your hands. Just rub a drop in - breathe it in on your hands and exhale while bent  almost putting your head between your knees. You do this about 5 times. Another way is using a coke bottle with a drop of peppermint oil again in water (about 1/3 of a coke bottle filled). There is a long straw like contraption in the bottle and what you do is you blow bubbles exhaling and then you breathe the air through the straw - picking the straw out of the water. You breathing in pure oxygenated air and it completely clears up your breathing tracts. On showing this contraption to us and how to use it I could not help but crack up laughing. On taking a rest I looked up to see the others doing it and I packed out laughing because all your heard was *bubble bubble bubble* - the sound of a hubbly/ bong. It looked like we were hitting a bong together with this old man!. It was so hard to be serious doing this. I learnt a hell of a lot from this man however - simply too much to write at this point. We were shown many experiments on how to test negative magnetic fields etc.


Must be off - thanks for the follows.

the 'not so positive' post

It's been a hectic rollercoaster ride for the last 2 weeks. Sometimes I think God just needs to give me a bigger plate for all the stuff I put up with - either that or apparently I am Super Woman...some nicer powers besides emotional strength, hope and positivity Would be nice – just saying…

This blog begins off with me telling you about my mom. She had been suffering some pain in the liver/ Gall bladder area. She left it until she went up for her follow up check at the doctor 2 days later. On telling her oncologist that she had this pain she was told to go for a CT scan. While at work she messaged me that she was waiting for results and she had to go to the doctor. Something had been found - I could hear by the tone of her voice that this was not good. I rushed home just thinking the whole way - if this is cancer rearing it's ugly friggen head again then I think I am just going to throw in the towel because I simply cannot do this anymore... enough is enough! 2 days passed by and we got the proper results - thank Lord they were just 2 very large cysts caused from her radiation therapy. Cancer and cysts actually look very much the same. The doctors were extremely concerned due to the positioning of the cysts. They were situated in the area of lymph glands where she was operated on. If that were  cancer it could easily have gone through those glands and into her blood stream and spread elsewhere. Thank heavens she is alright tho. It felt like the biggest weight had been taken off my shoulders.

Moving onto more negative news...my dear friend Helen who I always talk so highly about got some disturbing news too. She had told me that she had been having terrible migrane attacks. She Told her trial doctors and they agreed to monitor it for a week then they would send her for a MRI scan. The migranes persisted and we all started to get worried. She had the MRI and sadley the cancer had spread to her brain. 2 buggers were found situated ontop of her cranium and 1 smaller 1 near her brainstem. Now I have known Helen from the start of her diagnosis and never have I ever met a stronger person and I am so honoured to know her and call her my friend/ cancer buddy because all we do is motivate each other to kick cancers butt!She has an amazing fiance at her side and her mom has flown down from Germany. Helen my buddy – you can do it and I wish you well through all this crap. With Helens news it really got me thinking though – cancer is complete b*tch and I wish it on no one. Helen is also the healthiest person I know – she takes her dog every day for a long walk in the vineyards, goes for runs and cycle rides, eats healthy as hell…Helen – you make me look bad!! It’s tough to put up such a fight and see cancer spreading.

Ok – so I don’t like to post bad things on my blog because I want it to be something positive to Uplift and inspire people but I got some bad news too. Almost 2 weeks back I woke up with extreme Chest pain – I called my doctors and they said it was probably a reflux attack and just to take Some Gaviscon. That evening the pain still was not away – I messaged my doctor and because Of my previous blood clots she instructed me to go to the Emergency Room to be checked over Immediately! After being prodded, poked, x-rayed, ECG’d and injected with pain cocktails they Simply put it down to inflammation and gave me pain meds. The pain was eased a bit but Still bad so my doctor instructed to see me – examined me and sent me for a CT scan. My problem Was either a cracked rib or alternatively transferred pain from my liver (your liver and shoulder area At the first rib share the same sensory nerves). Unfortunately my scan revealed that my chemo had not Worked and my liver lesion was almost double in size. [insert swear word here once again]. As I sat there In absolute shock I started to panic – what happens when I run out of options? My doctor – the amazing Lady she is immediately cracked down to making a plan of action. Choices – A) Red Devil combined with Something else and Cistaplin – also known as the ‘penicillin of chemo’s’ combined with a drug called Nevalbine. At first thought she wanted me to go back onto the Red Devil to where I said ‘will I loose my Hair all over again?’ ‘please cover the bag – the sight of it makes me ill’, ‘I’ll do whatever you want me to’ And then I raised some concern with her ‘I’m 2 worried that I start resisting again like last time… - do we really have to Go down this road again?’. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll ask how high when she says jump but this was Just a concern for me which made her think further…The end result plan was to put me on Cistaplin. ‘You won’t like me very much’ she told me but of course I told her ‘lay it on and bring it’. I don’t care How crap I may feel (Ok that’s a bit of a lie) but I just want to be rid of this and kick it to the curb.  I hope And pray that all will be good and this chemo is going to get rid of the alien cells in my body….for good! It may sound as cheesy as hell but as I told Helen – Cancer has messed with the wrong girls – the boxing Gloves are on!! Ding Ding…game on!

I may start chemo this week or the next – depending on my ‘glorious’ medical aid. I want to stat it ASAP But at the same time I’m not looking forward to the expected nausea. Apparently this chemo is a bit worse Than the bastard, Red Devil. I Will just have to take it all a day at a time and concentrate on greater things To come.

Next Thursday should be my last day at RE/MAX. I Cannot wait until I venture off working on my magazine. It’s so exciting and Nicky and myself are itching to officially get this off the ground. All our ground work Is out so far and our websites/ forum are all getting there.

To the ‘REMAXIDIANS’ Who keep up to date with my blog – thank you for all the amazing support you have Always shown me.

Exciting New Projects Up Ahead

Not too much has happened in the last month with regards to my health. Maybe that's a good thing ;-)

The effects of my chemo tablets haven't been too horrendous. In my 3rd week/ rest week of not taking tablets I was quite weak and nauseous with a low blood count but nothing as bad as the Red Devil. Thank heavens!

So - with my last blog post I had some exciting news brewing. Drum roll please.....

I am going to be starting a magazine together with My Choice Publishing and our first Issue will be out in August. I am so ecstatic with this new project. A little about the magazine - It's Cancer related of course and it's specifically made up for patients in this 'journey' we all have in common. It'll be a free A5 magazine available at all oncology units, government hospitals and cancer related doctors. It'll be filled up with inspirational stories, tips, advice, doctors columns and details of advertisers to aid a patients life a bit 'better' for example: contacts for wigs and prosthesis's, healthy meals that can be delivered to your home if you're not feeling well enough, nutrition supplements...The list is quite long but I think you get the idea. We are hoping that some big corporate groups will be supporting this venture to make it the Ultimate success. There is nothing out there like it and this magazine is not only for breast cancer. We don't want to discriminate...this is for all kinds of cancer because at the end of the day we are all fighting the same fight.

All this was thought of by me when I was on leave. I originally thought up a website idea and a few days later I thought no way - we need a magazine that' s free and distributed within western cape. Now I have many ideas all the time but this one just felt so, soooo right. I immediately contacted Nicky from My Choice Publishing who I have known personally for a while and she absolutely LOVED the idea and offered to help me with this new 'vision'. Throughout my own journey I have always enjoyed helping people with the same dreaded disease whether it be through means of support or giving them handy contacts or tips. This is my new proud project and I am already so proud of what is to come. Wish me luck!

New Meds

I have had amazing past week with family. My brother and his girlfriend were down from UK as well as some of my cousins. We had some great family time together; went to Hermanus for 2 days, did Wine tasting, went to Spier, Loads of braaing, Celebrated my moms bday, went dune bugging. Was really amazing and a nice rest away from all the drama.

On coming back from Hermanus the chemo centre had called asking me to come in the next day

to start my chemo meds. Xeloda had been miraculously approved on
my medical aid, however I am now without a receptor blocker because that was just too expensive to authorise. Always something I Suppose!

We had to speak to the doctor just so he could explain the meds. 8 tablets to be taken a day (4 in the morning and 4 in the evening). Will most probably experience some nausea, low blood counts, upset stomach, hand and foot syndrome which is pins and needles sensation on the hand and feet and it gets very sensitive and sore, red and sometimes cracks and peels.The things are manageable and you have meds/ creams to counteract it but it depends on the severity of it all.

As I was talking to the chemo nurses while they explained everything to me in the chemo room I happened to see a patient receiving Red Devil Chemo. Instantly I became really nauseous and literally had to turn around with my back to everyone so I would not see it. It's amazing how much your brain associates the meds to nausea and you feel instantly ill. It took me about an hour to feel normal again after leaving the chemo room. I completely dislike red now and lucky me our house is red themed. Feel sick just writing about it. Bleaugh.

So now I have been on the meds for going onto 2 weeks now. Not feeling 2 much except for sore bones once again. I feel like I'm a 90 year old woman with the aches and pains. The nurses still seem to think it's the Zometa Bone juice. They holding off it for a while just because it caused so much pain the last time. I'll be getting those sessions every 2 months instead just so my body does not take on too much strain.

Have some business plans brewing at the moment so watch this space ;) As shitty as being diagnosed with the Big C it has inspired me to do a few things.

FML

Scrap the previous post that I did earlier today - it appears that I am not allowed to be on the trial because I have had a second line of treatment (being my red devil chemo).

My trial doctor is fighting it out with the German company that is performing the trials. Seems to be a hectic disagreement lost in translation from both parties.

Right now I am {insert swear word here and here and here and here} M.A.D. Universe - cut me some freaking slack will you!?!

Trials and Tribulations

So since my last blog posting it seems as if the whole world has passed by in a complete blur.

I have been caught up with just so much and had so many hassles with medical aid it's been unbelievably frustrating. Medical aids are really stressful to deal with - especially mine it seems.

My doctor gave me 2 options originally:

1. To take part in the trial which is testing a drug called Navelbine or,

2. Go privately and have Xeloda & a drug called Tykerb.

My decision making process was quite easy. The Trials department pay so much attention to what's going on in your body and they observe you on a weekly basis. This is the kind of care anyone could really ask for at the end of the day - besides. It's free! No more niggling and fighting with medical aids for authorisation of scans. Regardless though my Oncologist tried to authorise my other option just in case I didn't qualify for the trial. Surprise - they would not authorize it so option 1 it was!

I am still in the screening process but I will most probably start the new chemo in close on 2 weeks. It sounds like  a bit of an 'easier' chemo but as experienced throughout my journey we all know I am 'special' and the crappy stuff normally happens to me... for example:

Last Thursday I was scheduled to have some Bone Juice (medical name: Zometa) administered through a drip. Now - I was told before that this drug didn't really have symptoms for this  Bone Juice. Only a few handful of people really feel joint pain similar to the feeling of having flu. Was I one of the poor 'handful' of people to get this symptom? You guessed it - Lucky ol me. Having flu like symtoms was putting it very mildly. Day 1...sure. Call it flu - day 2 got worse and really uncomfortable. I had pains that felt almost like strong growing pains. Day 3- extreme pain. 1 minute I was watching the grammys - the next minute my better half found me collapsed in a bundle with my butt in the air on the bed crying in pain. Now I had been taking myprodols like they were smarties for those few days and they didn't do much except for take some of the edge off. I managed to call the doctor on call *stiffling through tears might I add* and she prescribed something else to try help. If that didn't help I would have been admitted into hospital. Thankfully by the next day the pain was about 80% gone and I was back to my normal self.

Unfortunately now with trials there is a law in the agreement contract that should you be of 'child bearing abilities' that you have to use a double contraceptive method. My options were a diaphragm and condoms or have the IUD copper T inserted into my 'lady nether regions'. Now - my options were quite limited because believe it or not we don't have diaphragms in SA so IUD it was. Until I have this done trial will not even touch me with treatment. Sounds harsh but makes sense with chemo being extremely dangerous to a fetus or infant.

I will have my various scans administered this week so they can measure out my leisons before they begin. This is how they keep track of your progress. 

Excitement amounts at the moment. My brother will be coming down in a few days to do the Argus cycle tour and visit good ol home. It's always great to have the family together. Hopefully I will get a few days off with him before he goes back.

Speaking of the Argus cycle tour. My good friend Helen who I call my cancer twin (sounds harsh but we have the exact same diagnosis and going through the same tribulations) will be doing the Argus with her fiance and they will be raising funds for BreastBuddies and the Pink Drive. I am so proud of her and how strong willed she is. Unfortunately my body is not as 'fit' as her but I hope to be doing the 110km race with her in the future. Good luck my warrior friend!

If anybody would like to help her raise funds for the cause give me a shout. For those of you who want to join the cheering in this race...The entire area of Hout Bay will be 'turned pink' for the big climb up Chapmans or as the Pink Drive are calling it 'The Climb for Cancer'. It's going to be a lot of fun if you're thinking of watching the race.

Here we go again...

Yesterday was quite a long day for me. I went through to my moms where we made our way to the PET scan centre. After much waiting and seing people be called up but not to return it was my turn.I was ushered through to a recovery room where I waitied for my radioactive drip. Struggling to find a vein as per usual the doctor eventually found a vein in my wrist. It all made me think really - This radioactive drip...would I gain super spidy powers so I could climb walls and make webs apear from my fingertips? Would I glow in the dark?? Alas - nothing quite as exciting. The injection of the actual radioactive juice was plugged into my drip via 1 hell of a contraption - it looked like something you would find on a workshop table in a garage. Confused, I looked at the doctor and asked 'whats the need for the contraption?'. 'I can't touch it, I deal with so much of this on a daily basis that it's a bit too dangerous'. Ermmmm - and you're injecting that into me? Gee thanks!

After waiting about a hour and  a half it was my turn next - I climbed on up to the machine and was told it would take 20 minutes of going in and out scanning my entire body. My nerves were shot until this point. Everything from here and out I was leaving in the big man aboves hands. 

The results would be ready by the time I went to my oncologist.

Woke up this morning with a really nervous stomach - please, please may this go right for me for once. It would be so nice to know I was in remission.

Alas, on sitting down with my mom and my doctor she revealed results that I did in actual fact have cancer in my liver again and a really small leison in my groin area that she was not too worried about. I'm not sure how but I managed to keep my calm and discuss how we were going to get through this. There were a few options but it looks like I may go on trial again for chemo. At the moment I'm still quite frustrated with life. Take a few steps forward - take a few steps back. It's just so f*&%ng irritating. When will this be done with already?

I will fight it and never give up of course - just my day of frustrations and venting. Warning - not good company at the moment and may bite anyones head off at any given time.

Will update everyone once I have talked things over with the trials team sometime next week. There are a few options with chemo so we shall have to see.

Just come back from an amazing cruise this week. We managed to get a good deal on Groupon for the 2 of us and left Thursday night from CT to Durban for 3 nights. Wish I were still on it! It was so amazing just having some time to relax, no phone signal, lay out on the sun deck, spending time with my hunni and friends, to be waited on hand and foot and having the occasional swim. The coolest thing of the trip was celebrating my finishing of treatment - Yaaaay! We spent a day in Durban as well at Ushaka Marine World and stayed in a nice Hotel on the beach. Was a short 3 day off work holiday. Hopefully I can take a few more days off when my brother is down in March. Can't wait to see him!

On The Thursday of our departure day I said goodbye to my last radiation session. 45 sessions overall were done. My skin was not too happy with me I must say. Over Christmas period my skin got a bit of a break. My neck area looked terrible with skin peeling and how red it was. Skin is still healing from my last few sessions. The skin almost looks a bit dirty from the radiation. Still peeling a bit but it will get better.

My radiation nurse saw my skin on the last session and told me I should not wear a bra. I looked at her with complete disbelief. 'Where do you expect my prosthesis to go if I don't have a bra?'. 'Don't wear it, you should not have a bra on because it will irritate your skin even more'. 'Errrrrm - do you know how lopsided I will look?'. "It's ok, it's not forever' she says. My reply was 'Do you know what it's like to be so young and have 1 boob only that you look like a deformed freak? Do you really expect me to walk out in public and work like that?, do you have any idea how many stares you get? Walking out my house without a prosthesis is not an option my dear!' Really now...I like to feel normal as possible and not like a 1 boobed freak thank you very much. I have gotten used to it but looking at your mutated chest is not a pretty thing.

After a lot of struggle with the medical aid I finally got authorised for my PET scan. After doing some questioning with some old trial nurses I bumped into they told me that the technology down here is quite more advanced than what they have in Joburg and Pretoria hence being cheaper and more likely be authorised. They managed to negotiate a rate of R10 000 instead of R18 000 and I would not have to pay in a cent. What a relief. Helps to complain and speak to people higher at Discovery I guess. Don't ever throw in the towel when it comes to medical aid. May that be my advice to any of you!

On Board The MSC Melody with my <3

I am really nervous just thinking about having the scan. It'll be on the 1rst of Feb and the reason of course would be to see if anything has grown at all and what really is in my liver now. On the sonar scan there was a shadow of some sort left over but it did not appear to be cancer according to the doctors. It'll take a day to reveal the results - most probably the longest day of my life!. Just so nervous about it because I worry something is growing. I know I always will in any case but there's always that little thing that plays on the back of your mind saying what if? The writer, Lisa Lynch who inspired me to start blogging after her fight with breast cancer recently revealed that she now has cancer that spread to her brain and bones. I read her blog now and still as amazing as she writes it's sad to see her not really have a fighting chance left. It's scarey and I felt like a bus had hit me when I read the news - she was my inspiration to kick cancer up the ass and change my whole attitude. I will remain positive as hell and people seem to think - you're over it. Live your life and be happy - stop stressing. You never do though and it seems as if it's only a cancer survivor/ fighter who understands that.

Please keep me in your thoughts on the 1rst of Feb - will keep positive and hope that I have the Big Man above looking out for me.

I had to giggle at myself driving the other day. I was getting ready for work the other day and on my way 2 blocks down the road I look down and notice I'm ever so lopsided on my chest. I forgot my fake boob at home. This was something I simply had to go back home and fetch - my 'deformed' form would never go un noticed!

Theres moments like this and onces where I loose it in my house because if it's too hot I just whip it out and throw it somewhere. Then, just as I am about to go out I'm frantically looking for it. The thought came across to many girls I know growing up and saying 'If only books were detachable' - naaaaah. No thanks. Here - have this one!

With this hot weather it's a bit torturous at times. It's either so hot to have the prosthesis is/ not being able to wear low cut tops & dresses outside of home and not being able to wear a swimsuit so I can take a dip in a a friends pool. Think I might invest in a surfers rash top so I can maybe go to the beach or swim at my moms place if I have the need.

With the new year upon us it made me think quite a bit about what I want out of this year - something has gotta change and fast. I see this year as a fresh start where my 'clock' goes back to the beginning and I can make some change for the months ahead. I may be freakishly unfit but that's got to change - I started doing a bit of walking to get slowly fit. I'm eating a bit better and trying to make changes in my life for the good.

In a conversation the other day with my better half we were talking about the last year and a half we have been through. It's been bladey rough for us and now we're just trying to look forward and hope for the best. The thing is - it's better said than done. It's not so easy to 'undefine' yourself
because now I have the challenge of staying cancer free, I want to write my book and we're going to have to get through this lawsuit as well. It's not something you can just transform from - it's a very long process and what I have been through has defined who I am majorly now. It's quite strange.

I'm sitting with the frustrations at the moment with my Medical Aid - nothing in the world makes me as stressed out as them. My doctor wanted me to have a PET scan done in this month 
so we can define what my treatment plan will be. Discovery calls me yesterday and says 'sorry, your application got declined because there is nobody in the western cape who can carry out this scan on the network.' Uh hem - excuse me? What would I have to do in order to get one? ' Well - you would have to live in Pretoria or Joburg'. I beg your parden? How is it that Nobody in CT has ever needed to have a PET scan done here? Regardless of things I called my broker up 
to sort it all out - my nerves are shot every time I speak to them.  I feel like I am dealing with  complete bafoons. Not a chance I can afford about R20 000 for a scan!

Woosaaaaaaah.

I'm hoping everyone had a really good Christmas. We had a relatively quiet one with the family.
Christmas eve was spent with my family with a divine dinner fit for a king and as per tradiation visiting the Christmas lights in Bothasig. Christmas day was spent with the better halfs mom for Christmas lunch. What a feast...

I got some news last week that my radiation is actually scheduled for longer. I thought that this would be my last week when in fact my doctor wants me to have a 'booster' round for my scar tissue areas where the mastectomy was performed. I was so disapointed by the news - I was hoping the New Year was going to start off with a clean slate and a 'new me' but sadly I will only be completed round the 13th of January. I trust my doctor with these choices - it's just been a long haul. My skin is starting to hurt. It itches, peels, burns and resembles something like a surfer has when they chafe their skin with their wetsuit. I still won't be able to use creams and fragrences for a while after and I need to stay clear of the sun. Believe it or not I can't even use sunscreen because of the ingredients in it. It causes reactions and makes your skin react in quite a bad way.

The news recently is still all very surreal. It's really hard to take in mentally and realise that 'I'm alright now'. It's a strange comparrison but it's as if I'm this puzzle thats been built since I have been diagnosed and there is a piece or 2 missing to make me complete. It's unbelievably hard
to process and leaves my emotions all over the place. You would never have thought so...

Over the Moon!

Today I am the happiest girl in he world - I am so amazingly overwhelmed right now that

I should probably let everything settle in before I update my blog but I thought while

everything is so fresh I should probably get a start on it all...

My day started off a bit emotional - I seem to get these waves of emotion at times for the silliest things. I was sitting in the woolies parking lot after getting a snack to eat for breakfast and I saw a pigeon get knocked over. I didn't realise it at first because the culprit car did not realise at all until I saw the pigeons mate viciously circling it's mate in a worrisome way wondering why their fellow flyer was not getting up. I was all of a sudden a weeping mess. I feel so much for anything that looses their mate in life. I could not think of anything worse. Life is seriously just too precious - even for a pigeon!

Anyways - So after radiation I set off for my doctors appointment which was a follow up up for my radiation sessions. I was really quite nervous about this. I didn't mention it before because I didn't want anyone worrying more than what I was but my last CT scan results showed some spots on the lumbar colum. I was really worried it started spreading to my bones. So - I sat down with my doctor and she started going through the report with me. I had the report previosuly when I was in ICU but you never understand doctor jargon talk. She said that my liver area was clear and the spots on my lumbar column was not cancer (as I had feared) it was instead my dense bones causing little holes from all the treatment and the chemo closing the holes up. These are the holes that were seen. I sat there in question with all the info going through my head - is what she saying for real here? I have no cancer then? are you sure? I was clear of all traces of cancer!

I will finish my radiation around about 28 dec and in the New Year my doctor wants me to go have a PET scan to see if anything creeps back or to see if we missed anything along the lines. Should it stay negative (which I really hope for!) then we can just go with monitoring or alternatively have a course of 'maintaining' medication thats similar to Herceptin. Should something come up then I can go on the trial that has just opened up and that my dear friend Helen is on. We don't want that so positive thoughts all the way here people!

(a few days later...)

Recent news still hasn't really sunken in - it's all so surreal. I have been living this life of having treatment to treatment and now it's almost like - 'now what?' kind of thing? There are so many mixed emotions that I'm not sure how to feel. Happy - yes, very! but it's almost like
playing a game of russian roulette. You see - with my original diagnosis it was quite bad and I was always told that this would be a very hard thing to fight off and reoccurence is quite
a common situation in these cases. Remain positive sure - call me miss positivity but I fear this feeling of a 'bullet going off' at some point. After speaking with a few people who have been through the same kind of story they told me that no matter what stage you are at - you will always have that feeling. It does get better though. Just gotta keep fighting the fight and believe in the big man above.

Last Thursday on telling my boss the news I asked her if I could hand out an award to a very special person who plays a big role in community service within RE/MAX PA. Gary ran for me with several others at the Darling Marathon this year. I felt like I wanted to break the news at the year end function that evening and ofcourse to take that oppertunity and thank Gary as well as all the other collegues and friends who support me so much. It all seemed very suiting.

The response of everyone was phenomenal - clapping and some even with tears in their eyes. I was a babling mess as usual when I talk and half my planned speech was forgotten but none the less Thanks to all for their support was mentioned. So many hugs and kind words were said to me after it was truley amazing. For people to call me an inspiration and someone to admire is extremely humbling. I'd never in a million years think of myself as that. I always tell people that if they were in the same situation they would do the same but they don't seem to believe me... I posted a saying on Facebook the other day saying 'You never know How strong you are until being strong is the only choice you Have'. Never have I heard something so true in my life. The day I was told how bad my diagnosis was - a million things went through my head - The no.1 thing was 'I can't do this' and 'I can't put my loved ones through this'. I really didn't think we would be able to get through it all but we did. My family who was always there especially my mom who took me to all my appointments and was
there for me whenever I needed someone. Always changing her shifts to accommodate me
and be there no matter what. My better half who has been through so much with me. Sat through the tears and always helped me out with difficult situations and mild stones and cheered me up when he was already bearing so much on his shoulders already. Without you - I would not have been able to do this. I love you all so much.

This may sound like the cheesiest paragraph ever but never can such a sickness open your eyes more. Even without such predicaments in my life - lately in the last month life has seemed ever so precious. Even without such diseases and illness in life - Life is just so short. I have heard so many stories around friends and aquaintances lately that involve loved ones dying and the surprising thing is - nothing was wrong with them whatsoever. They were all young and fit as can be with nothing wrong! Anyones life can be taken away in a heart beat whether you have cancer or not. Seriously - stop fretting the small things in life and just enjoy the beauty in every day that you have been blessed with with your loved ones.

Ok - enough already with the cheesey supreme paragraph above.

If I don't blog before xmas - have a blessed one and thanks for keeping up with the posts.

It's been a hectic few weeks lately - Certainly hoping 2012 to be the start of a new chapter and just good things to happen for myself and loved ones.

I know some people wouldn't want to hear this part - especially the men but hey it's part of the treatment. When you have chemo the treatment can often bring you to menopause. Some people have it temporarily and some people have it for life. Now - when I started treatment they did warn me about it and they kept expecting this to happen. Hot flushes? Nope. Sore Body? Yes - Period - Yup. Still there! This is what I went through every doc appointment. On my last treatment can you believe it I stopped my monthly.I thought I was going to get away with it a. At first I thought it may have been stress for the op but then I still didn't get it for another 2 months. Crap. Can you imagine how happy I was to find that I got it again. What was once upon a time a complete inconvenient curse - was now such a happy thing for me. I was literally bouncing about at home. It's a long shot but I really would like to have kids one day and I don't want things to complicate it all. Gotta have some Hope to hold onto.

In the last 2 weeks I have found myself to be extremely fatigued. No matter how much you sleep you just can't get rid of the feeling. I just want to gain my fitness levels back. We wanting to start some mountain biking on some wine farms etc. Nigel loves hiking and I'm just not cut out for it so we have a bit of a compromise :p What better way that to see the pretty sites CT has to offer than on a bike. The fatigue will be around for a while I suppose - think I am going to try out gradually getting into everything. 

My radiation took a bit of a back seat to get started up. My doctor kept declining the treatment plan so she had me come in - have them draw all over me so she could see what radiation beams would be going where and she made a few changes that suited my case and situation. On coming out I saw my doctor catching up with my mother so we got chatting. I got onto the fact that I was a bit concerned about the blood clots. My medical aid scans had been depleted for the year so we were not able to have one done to see if the clots were still on my lungs. She said that she would have me go into hospital for the night so they would have to do it. I thought she was joking so I kinda said - maybe next week? She asked me to come up to her office so she could speak to a Physician friend for advice. Once I got to her office I sat down and I was completely out of breath - she looked at me questionably and said - that's not right...you shouldn't be that tired...She took my pulse and said straight to me - if your pulse is over 90 you're eating hospital food tonight my dear *wait wait wait* 91 - ha! off you go! She was concerned that the blood clots were still there and I needed blood thinning medication asap! I thought it all seemed very much like a joke - I felt too normal to be 'sick'. I went home - got my bag packed and schlepped off to the hospital. When I got there the doctor himself came to escort me (in a wheelchair might I add) to the - wait for it.... ICU! I kinda looked at him and said - I'm fine - this is not necessary where he told me blood clots was a critical condition and he couldn't have me walk anywhere because if I collapsed it's pretty much overs. Fair enough...I sat down on the bed and chatted to him about my history and I was injected with Clexane blood thinners and had various monitors linked up to me. I felt so unnecessary being there - everyone around me had heart operations, car accidents etc I needed to go to the loo and they wanted to bring me a freaking bed pan - are you for real? really? I can walk - it's just 5 steps that way. Ok - but you have to be wheeled there. Hmpf. I was literally treated like a porcelain doll. After my mom and Nigel left I caught up on some TV - aaaaah. All the Twilight movies were showing. Perfect :) The nursing sisters kept coming up to me offering me sleeping tablets because I was still up at 10pm unlike their other sick patients. I'm not sick - I am trying to watch my movie finished please. A very busy night - you wake up literally every hour so the nurses can check your blood pressure and all your other vital signs. I woke up to my newly scheduled nurse for the day (every bed is assigned a nurse to take care of them). They brought somebody in specially to take care of me because they were understaffed. My new care giver was a young lady by the name of  Neveshe - a small petite Indian girl. We got chatting and got to know each other throughout the day in bed and wheeling me off for my scans. She was 28 years old as well and she had been diagnosed when she was 23 years of age with breast cancer as well. She was a survivor too. Best nurse I had ever had - had so much information for us and chatted to my sister about getting tested genetically. What a breath of fresh air. We swopped numbers and chat occasionally on bbm chat. It's funny how your paths cross sometimes. Sometimes God just brings people together. We got my CT results and everything seemed to be fine - no clots seen whatsoever. I was discharged and my doctor set an appointment for me for a Cardiologist just to make sure that my heart was fine. (Turns out that was fine too by the way!)

I started Radiation on Monday (finally!!) What was said would be 20 minutes ended up being a hour and 30 mins because of setting me up etc. The norm for a radiation patient is having 4 beams used - My oncologist has me on 8 (lucky me!!) I have put a picture of the Machine below. I find it all very confusing with how the machine works (hopefully I'll become a real boffin on the topic soon enough). 1 moment the room will be dark and there is lazers projected all over the room, the next moment you have a measuring image reflected on your skin, body is getting being repositioned that way, high pitched dentist drill sounds coming from the machines, foreign names and words being used for this and that, drawn lines here - more lines there...much more confusing I find. I just lay there and have the radiation therapists work around me. You lie on a table with your head and arms in a brace of sorts to keep you in position and they move you around on a sheet to ensure that you are literally a mm to the left or right. The therapist come in and out to position the table this way and that way for the beam to hit you here there and everywhere. The table is the most uncomfortable table in the world - everything pokes you and staying in the same position for so long is torturous. I'm so stiff by the time I'm done. Feel sooo old! Today I am on my 5th session and I must say it's getting a bit better flow wise. It's now down to about 30 mins which is nice. Just 2 more weeks left - woop woop!

Myself & the panel of fighters/ survivors (and doctor - far left) 

Last Saterday I was asked to be part of the Women 2 Women panel which was in aid of the Pink Drive organization. I felt very honored to have been asked but man oh man I was nervous as hell. I always dodged my Orals in School - maybe that's why hehehe. When I was asked questions my voice was so shaky. I'd like to be able to talk to groups slowly about my experiences. I would like to get the word out about awareness. It's very important to share. At the event I chatted to some of the other panel members - I met Miss Hope who was actually crowned Miss Western Cape Last year. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer a 2nd time around and this time she took to the Hollistic approach. She drank chineese herbal teas, vitamins and Apricot Pips. She completely cured her cancer which I find is fascinating. I am looking into it slowly and I have started to take the Apricot pips ground up in some of my mornings Yoghurt. They extremely bitter let me warn you - we talking vile stuff here...