It's been a hectic few weeks lately - Certainly hoping 2012 to be the start of a new chapter and just good things to happen for myself and loved ones.

I know some people wouldn't want to hear this part - especially the men but hey it's part of the treatment. When you have chemo the treatment can often bring you to menopause. Some people have it temporarily and some people have it for life. Now - when I started treatment they did warn me about it and they kept expecting this to happen. Hot flushes? Nope. Sore Body? Yes - Period - Yup. Still there! This is what I went through every doc appointment. On my last treatment can you believe it I stopped my monthly.I thought I was going to get away with it a. At first I thought it may have been stress for the op but then I still didn't get it for another 2 months. Crap. Can you imagine how happy I was to find that I got it again. What was once upon a time a complete inconvenient curse - was now such a happy thing for me. I was literally bouncing about at home. It's a long shot but I really would like to have kids one day and I don't want things to complicate it all. Gotta have some Hope to hold onto.

In the last 2 weeks I have found myself to be extremely fatigued. No matter how much you sleep you just can't get rid of the feeling. I just want to gain my fitness levels back. We wanting to start some mountain biking on some wine farms etc. Nigel loves hiking and I'm just not cut out for it so we have a bit of a compromise :p What better way that to see the pretty sites CT has to offer than on a bike. The fatigue will be around for a while I suppose - think I am going to try out gradually getting into everything. 

My radiation took a bit of a back seat to get started up. My doctor kept declining the treatment plan so she had me come in - have them draw all over me so she could see what radiation beams would be going where and she made a few changes that suited my case and situation. On coming out I saw my doctor catching up with my mother so we got chatting. I got onto the fact that I was a bit concerned about the blood clots. My medical aid scans had been depleted for the year so we were not able to have one done to see if the clots were still on my lungs. She said that she would have me go into hospital for the night so they would have to do it. I thought she was joking so I kinda said - maybe next week? She asked me to come up to her office so she could speak to a Physician friend for advice. Once I got to her office I sat down and I was completely out of breath - she looked at me questionably and said - that's not right...you shouldn't be that tired...She took my pulse and said straight to me - if your pulse is over 90 you're eating hospital food tonight my dear *wait wait wait* 91 - ha! off you go! She was concerned that the blood clots were still there and I needed blood thinning medication asap! I thought it all seemed very much like a joke - I felt too normal to be 'sick'. I went home - got my bag packed and schlepped off to the hospital. When I got there the doctor himself came to escort me (in a wheelchair might I add) to the - wait for it.... ICU! I kinda looked at him and said - I'm fine - this is not necessary where he told me blood clots was a critical condition and he couldn't have me walk anywhere because if I collapsed it's pretty much overs. Fair enough...I sat down on the bed and chatted to him about my history and I was injected with Clexane blood thinners and had various monitors linked up to me. I felt so unnecessary being there - everyone around me had heart operations, car accidents etc I needed to go to the loo and they wanted to bring me a freaking bed pan - are you for real? really? I can walk - it's just 5 steps that way. Ok - but you have to be wheeled there. Hmpf. I was literally treated like a porcelain doll. After my mom and Nigel left I caught up on some TV - aaaaah. All the Twilight movies were showing. Perfect :) The nursing sisters kept coming up to me offering me sleeping tablets because I was still up at 10pm unlike their other sick patients. I'm not sick - I am trying to watch my movie finished please. A very busy night - you wake up literally every hour so the nurses can check your blood pressure and all your other vital signs. I woke up to my newly scheduled nurse for the day (every bed is assigned a nurse to take care of them). They brought somebody in specially to take care of me because they were understaffed. My new care giver was a young lady by the name of  Neveshe - a small petite Indian girl. We got chatting and got to know each other throughout the day in bed and wheeling me off for my scans. She was 28 years old as well and she had been diagnosed when she was 23 years of age with breast cancer as well. She was a survivor too. Best nurse I had ever had - had so much information for us and chatted to my sister about getting tested genetically. What a breath of fresh air. We swopped numbers and chat occasionally on bbm chat. It's funny how your paths cross sometimes. Sometimes God just brings people together. We got my CT results and everything seemed to be fine - no clots seen whatsoever. I was discharged and my doctor set an appointment for me for a Cardiologist just to make sure that my heart was fine. (Turns out that was fine too by the way!)

I started Radiation on Monday (finally!!) What was said would be 20 minutes ended up being a hour and 30 mins because of setting me up etc. The norm for a radiation patient is having 4 beams used - My oncologist has me on 8 (lucky me!!) I have put a picture of the Machine below. I find it all very confusing with how the machine works (hopefully I'll become a real boffin on the topic soon enough). 1 moment the room will be dark and there is lazers projected all over the room, the next moment you have a measuring image reflected on your skin, body is getting being repositioned that way, high pitched dentist drill sounds coming from the machines, foreign names and words being used for this and that, drawn lines here - more lines there...much more confusing I find. I just lay there and have the radiation therapists work around me. You lie on a table with your head and arms in a brace of sorts to keep you in position and they move you around on a sheet to ensure that you are literally a mm to the left or right. The therapist come in and out to position the table this way and that way for the beam to hit you here there and everywhere. The table is the most uncomfortable table in the world - everything pokes you and staying in the same position for so long is torturous. I'm so stiff by the time I'm done. Feel sooo old! Today I am on my 5th session and I must say it's getting a bit better flow wise. It's now down to about 30 mins which is nice. Just 2 more weeks left - woop woop!

Myself & the panel of fighters/ survivors (and doctor - far left) 

Last Saterday I was asked to be part of the Women 2 Women panel which was in aid of the Pink Drive organization. I felt very honored to have been asked but man oh man I was nervous as hell. I always dodged my Orals in School - maybe that's why hehehe. When I was asked questions my voice was so shaky. I'd like to be able to talk to groups slowly about my experiences. I would like to get the word out about awareness. It's very important to share. At the event I chatted to some of the other panel members - I met Miss Hope who was actually crowned Miss Western Cape Last year. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer a 2nd time around and this time she took to the Hollistic approach. She drank chineese herbal teas, vitamins and Apricot Pips. She completely cured her cancer which I find is fascinating. I am looking into it slowly and I have started to take the Apricot pips ground up in some of my mornings Yoghurt. They extremely bitter let me warn you - we talking vile stuff here...

Freckles marks the spot

Almost onto the next stage of my journey - Radiation!

I went to get scanned and 'planned' yesterday afternoon. You go for a scan in order to have 

the radiation plan to be mapped out. My oncologist has to then instruct what points in my body

need different strengths of radiation treatment. After being scanned I was told I needed to be tattood so they could line the machine up exact each time. What I expected would not be too bad having known what a tattoo feels like - I was instead jabbed with a needle in 3 different places with ink at the end of it. I didn't feel the 1 side due to it all being numb so when she did my right side I almost jumped off that table. Bladey hell! I now have black freckles along my sides and on the diaphragm area.

I will be doing my treatment at Ronderbosch GVI centre and will try manage it as best as possible into my daily plan. Radiation will last for 20 mins a day for 3 weeks....after that RFA treatment for my liver. Shoo - aaaaaaalmost there...

On a sadder note - yes. Another one. We lost Nigels beloved father to cancer late Sunday night. He had been fighting a very long battle with cancer of the bladder. He passed away peacefully in his home - due to frustrating medical aid not authorising a care giver/ hospice on time (surprise surprise...). Glad at least he was around a familiar and loving surrounding. You will be missed and loved by all Mr. Smith - Rest In Peace and may your legacy always carry on and may you smiling at us from above.

With news of all these happenings lately it really makes me sick and tired of cancer overall. How is such a thing causing such an epidemic of note?! This 6 letter curse can seriously take a hike and F off already. I'm over it!! Not over it in a way I throw in the towel but over it in a sense meaning I am sick of all my loved ones being affected by such an ordeal. In a span of 2 years it's been me, my father had a cancerous tumour cut out 

of his inner ear leaving him deaf in the one ear, my mom with endometrial cancer, our family dog, Nigel's dad. Seriously - enough already - goooooo away!

Rest in Peace my Pupples

What was supposed to be a busy and exciting weekend ended up being the hardest thing

I have ever done. Friday Night I went to dinner with my better half and in the middle of it

I got a phone call from my mom saying she had received news of Roxy having ruptured tumours in here spleen, liver and lungs. She had to be put down. I left the restaurant immediately, packed my bags to go to my mom and went to my little angel who had been

In our family for 10 years. She wasn’t a pet. She was one of us and there was nothing more I wanted than to go be with her. She had been there in all our moments of sadness that I just had to be with her in hers/ours.

They gave us a room to be with her in and I sat on the floor where she scooted her behind into my lap (a habit she had formed from my long legged brother). It seemed so surreal. She was so excited from seeing us that the adrenalin had made her seem normal. 20 minutes later however she was panting and sliding all over the place because she couldn’t keep herself up. We hadn’t thought of this coming so soon – why does something like this have to bite you in the ass so suddenly? Roxy was a little legend. Always will be – she looked after us and protected us but most importantly she was the families best companion and friend. She comforted us when we were sad, she checked up on everyone throughout the night, when us kids fought she made sure to create distractions so we would quit our bickering and when we celebrated she would event celebrate with us. When my brother was down last month we tried and attempted to take many family pictures. With every picture she insisted on being in the shots together with us – even when my father would lead her away out the picture she would casually plonk herself back down in front of everyone - it was simply the funniest thing.

On saterday morning we all woke up with extreme sadness in our hearts. We all dreaded what was about to come. We made our way to the vet and spent some time with our little angel. They first put her onto the vets table which simply made her really nervous so we lifted her to the ground where she could sit with us. She made herself comfy in my lap again and had no idea what was about to happen. She was filled with adrenalin again so she seemed to be normal once again. It made it just that much harder. We brought the vet in to discuss if there were any alternative options. There were but only ones that would simply make her suffer more and delay the inevitable by about 3 weeks. In all honesty with everything I have gone through – nothing has ever been so hard in my life as this very moment. They injected her and quickly she went off to where I sincelerely believe is at my loved ones sides up in heaven. The very thought of losing something so special is so incredibly hard and nothing could ever replace her. I well up at the very thought of her final moments but at the same time I am very glad I was there for her and she was at least In my lap feeling very loved with my mom and me at her side.

My moms house is just so empty and quiet without the sound of her walking up and down the passage or following us with toys in her mouth. She may have been 10 years of age but she certainly still acted like a puppy filled with energy and love.

Below I have put a picture of when I had my photoshoot done. She managed to get into the room and of course had to be pictured along together with me - licking me.

It's been a month exactly since my procedure and slowly I am getting used to this whole 'concept'. The pain is much better - just really feel it all when I stretch or try reach for something. That and every now and then my muscles seem a bit sore in the wrist area. I think it may be a bit of nerve damage. Still hurts a bit to pick up items and when I try to sleep it's quite uncomfortable to position my arm in a comfortable position.

I have some wonderful news - I have decided to do my very own book about this whole experience. I approached some publishes and told them mildly about my story and they want to meet with me to discuss the whole process/ what to expect/ where to go from here. They are very interested based on my positive outlook and age.It's going to be quite the process - a long process but worth it. I am basing it on my blog (so all you readers have some first hand experience of my book ;p ) but making it a bit more personal based on my experience throughout my whole journey. I have just been thinking so much about all of this over the last few weeks that I decided just to jump right in and do some research. I want

my book to inspire people and to help those who are going through something similar. I want to spread the positive attitude and show that they too can get through this. It's based on the timeline of me being diagnosed right up until I have my reconstruction next year. I want the whole entire experience so I guess I have some time to 'shapen' my story up and get some help editing it etc. It's all very exciting!!

On a up note my mom has just 1 more chemo to go. I am very proud of her. She has been quite ill after her chemo sessions but it's amazing how different our effects have been. She has had a lousey time but I'm just glad that she's almost at the end of her road and she's been so positive about it all. We've just had so much drama in our family it's been terrible. Our beloved family dog has been rushed to the vet again. Last week she feinted or had a fit/ seizure and today she could not stand straight. The vet seems to think she may have a tumour that could be bleeding out. Are you for f***ing real? Enough already!!

I should be starting with my radiation next week. I was supposed to have started with it last week already but of course medical aid was full of s*hit. I have reached my limit for scans/ x-rays and they giving us trouble because in order to do radiation you need to have a CT done so they can map out the points and strenths of the radiation. I will be doing it at the Ronderbosch GVI so I can incorporate it in my working day - work through my lunch and then go have my treatment on my way home.

It's been just over 2 weeks since my operation.

I am slowly getting back to my old routine and very much happy to be getting back to that.

My pain is subsiding and today was the first time attempting to drive. Hooray! It's quite sore but I'll get there and in the swing soon enough. Not having my own 'independence' has certainly been hard.

For the last 2 weeks I have been paying my doctor regular visits so he can check up on my drains as well as do some aspiration (sucking out build up fluid out with a syringe). The skin and area is very much numb still. Feels very much like this area isn't really part of my body. It just looks so foreign and without my 'softy' in looks very deformed. Just can't get used to it. It's so hard to get dressed now because everything hugs your body in a certain way and it's litrally impossible to make your boobs look the same. It's just so frustarting and lopsided. I cannot wait to have reconstruction done! *unknown time period still - sigh...

On a great note my surgeon is extremely happy with my progress. He thinks I have come so far and done so well in the meantime. When disecting my nodes they actually noticed that my nodes were clear of cancer. The chemo had killed it all off. I was thrilled to hear such news. The nodes were just fibrous from all the chemo toxins. Every time my doctor does some aspiration he sends the fluid away and everytime he is happy to report that the results come back clear showing that all the cancer is cut out and gone away. The thought makes me so happy. All we have to worry about now is getting through radiation as well as RFA treatment. Happy days - we can almost see a finish line!

hospital and recovery time

I got out of hospital this Monday. As supportive as all my loved ones and friends were for visiting me I started getting frustrated and sad with the whole situation. The doctor let me go home on the reason that he thought I would be better off at home with myself or my family emptying my own drains rather than the nurses doing it wrong every time. They broke one of them (woops).

The pain has been quite bad and I can't use my arm too much. They had quite a field day moving my muscles around. The op was actually pretty much complicated in the end actually - On doing administrations with one of the head nurses you had to write out to your knowledge what you thought the doctor would be doing so I wrote down 'Bi lateral mastectomy, node disection and taking out my port' On signing the note off the nurse said 'according to theatre you are having just your left side removed'. I was so frustrated on the news. According to my doctor I could only have the effected side removed due to the fact of my alien blood clots that had invaded my lungs. No1 had discussed this with me however. I was livered! On having to get used to the idea of having no breasts at all - I now had to look defromed and only have 1? really now??? I understood the terms in the end but wow - due to doctors being on holiday it wasn't discussed with me that I would have only one disected in the end. Not brilliant news at all in the slightest. I was wheeled off thankfully very calm with the help of premeds. Upon entering theatre and seeing all the equipment they were about to use just sent me off in a downward spiral - thankfully I was put to sleep very soon after.

On waking up I was suddenly very confused. I was shivering to such an extent my teeth were chattering and the nursing staff were telling my family and Nigel that they had to say their quick goodbyes so they could get me stabilized. I was in ICU. Great....The surgery was much longer than anticipated. What was supposed to be just 2 hours lasted 6 hours on the table. The doctor had struggled to take my nodes out beause of my muscles. My body had gone into a bit of shock and according to my nurse I was breathing a bit funny so they had to monitor me very closely for that evening. That night the pain was quite bad. Felt like I had been shot through my shoulder and my throat was so dry from the pipes that had been in my mouth and down my throat that all I could do was have ice chips given to me the whole night. By morning I was a bit better and I was given my first meal in a day. I felt a bit like a invalid to an extent because I had to have a nurse feed me because I couldn't move my arms or lift my body. It's terrible feeling so incompetent. Thankfully later that day I was put back into my ward - Thats when my sea of flowers, cards, phone calls, balloons and messages started. Wow - I have so many people who care. It's just too overwhelming...

I spent from Wednesday to Monday in hospital and my family and visitors kept me quite busy with visits the whole time. Was a good thing I suppose because it kept my mind busy instead of thinking of my amputated lady lump. When my guests wern't there I was sleeping, having my blood pressure checked or visiting my dear friend who was 2 doors up from my room who had been in a motor bike accident. Very convenient!

I learn a valuable lesson the first day being out of ICU. If a nurse asks you to say what your pain is on a scale of 1-10 do not answer 7-8. This may be a trick question. If you answer this you get a suppository and there is no changing your answer! If you answer 5 and below you don't get anything. 6 or 7 is a pill. 7-8 a suppository and 9-10 is an injection. Injections were only given to me at night when I was about to go to sleep. That was the best pain killer which lasted me quite a while - they gave me Pethadine. Aaaah how I miss it. 

Now that I am out of hospital I get silly pain pills that don't do much at all. I had to ask the doctor for something extra because my arm is still so sore. I still have my drain which I hope to loose today. Been carrying it around since the op and I am really getting tired of it now. I'm down to about 40ml every 12hrs which is apparently a good thing. Changing into day clothes has been a real hastle in the past few days. Every morning I have been struggling to find something to wear due to the fact that it looks ever so obvious that I am 1 boobed now. So eventually on finding something to wear on Wednesday I begged my mom if we couldn't find a solution somewhere to make me look more 'symetrical'. We found a shop called Storm in  A G cup which cater for bigger laddies and prosthesis fittings. I needed a prosthesis stat! Sadly they could not give me one because I still have drains and major swelling so we opted for the next best thing. A big old lady bra with no wiring and a insert called  a 'softy' to make me look 'normal'. In about 6 weeks I can get a prosthesis until I get my reconstruction done.

A week before my big day I had a photoshoot done. Something very out of character for me considering it was mostly without clothes on but I wanted to commemorate and document what I was about to go through. It seemed for some reason like a very big step for me - letting go almost. The photographer and myself have chosen to document before, during and after reconstruction. Should be quite interesting. Many people asked why I was having it done and my answer was to the extent of the fact that I can't go back on something like

a mastectomy and therefore wanted pics for various reasons. We may decide to use them for an exhibit, use them in a publication I have been pondering on or even just for my own.

 So thats it ladies and gentleman - next chapter closed and well...almost dusted... 

It's the Big Day

(I wrote this on my notes on my Blackberry on the day of my op 28th of Sep)


It's 6:30am and I can't go back to sleep. Today is the day of my mastectomy. I really and honestly
didn't think this day would ever get here. Now that it is here though you'd swear I was taking pills
to be calm or something. I worry throughout this that I'm just numb to it all instead of calm and I'll get rained on with all my self pitty when I least expect it. Yes - through this whole ordeal I occasionally have a melt down but shortly after I pull up my socks and look to the 'horizon'. I know how important it is to look at the main goal here - 2 be healthy.


I worry what I am going to look like with no more boobs. What was once seen as 'perfection' growing up in the opinions of old boyfriends and friends and the envied of all...is now being surgically removed. It all seems very surreal. It gets me down that I'm not immediately having reconstruction done but it's something I will have to get over. All very hard. I will have to do with the 'chicken fillet' inserts for a while. Sh*t - scares me how self conscious I am. No matter how much preparing I do I have no idea how well this is all going to go down.


I think I am going to climb back into bed now and snuggle up with my better half seen that it's going to be a while before I can do it again. As soon as I am out of hospital I will be at my moms recuperating for a while. My older brother is coming down for holiday and my mom is off so they can drive me around and take care of me while Nigel is at work.