Tuesday, October 4, 2011

It's the Big Day

(I wrote this on my notes on my Blackberry on the day of my op 28th of Sep)

It's 6:30am and I can't go back to sleep. Today is the day of my mastectomy. I really and honestly
didn't think this day would ever get here. Now that it is here though you'd swear I was taking pills
to be calm or something. I worry throughout this that I'm just numb to it all instead of calm and I'll get rained on with all my self pitty when I least expect it. Yes - through this whole ordeal I occasionally have a melt down but shortly after I pull up my socks and look to the 'horizon'. I know how important it is to look at the main goal here - 2 be healthy.

I worry what I am going to look like with no more boobs. What was once seen as 'perfection' growing up in the opinions of old boyfriends and friends and the envied of now being surgically removed. It all seems very surreal. It gets me down that I'm not immediately having reconstruction done but it's something I will have to get over. All very hard. I will have to do with the 'chicken fillet' inserts for a while. Sh*t - scares me how self conscious I am. No matter how much preparing I do I have no idea how well this is all going to go down.

I think I am going to climb back into bed now and snuggle up with my better half seen that it's going to be a while before I can do it again. As soon as I am out of hospital I will be at my moms recuperating for a while. My older brother is coming down for holiday and my mom is off so they can drive me around and take care of me while Nigel is at work.

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